Journal: Life Update & What’s Next

I’ve been trying to think of a way to return to the regular posting schedule on the page. I didn’t mean to disappear again so suddenly with no explanation. I know that I can’t expect this project to grow into something bigger if I keep neglecting it and the people who support and care about it. I thought I owed you guys an explanation this time.

In short, I’ve been dealing with a lot of grief the last four months. A close friend of mine unexpectedly passed away in September and my aunt, who was more than an aunt, but also my best friend, older sister, middle name, and so much more, lost her battle to breast cancer last month. At times, it’s so difficult I don’t even have energy to put into the things I enjoy and love, like the blog, even school has become somewhat neglected because of it. However, I’ve been pushing through to finish the semester to the best of my abilities, but between school, work and dealing with the aftermath of this loss, I just haven’t had the time, mental or emotional energy to put into this page.

As a way of venting, releasing some of the stress and for those who care enough about more details about why I’ve been absent on this page, I have included a journal entry of mine below. If not, that’s understandable, it’s a lot, but I have left more notes at the end that I would appreciate if you read because if you’re reading this at all, you deserve to hear it.

October 27, 2024

When I look at my life, I feel beyond fortunate and eternally grateful for I feel that I have had an easy, good life. I am only nineteen years old, expected to have many more years to go, but up until this point I have been lucky. I have grown up and continue to live with two amazing parents who love each other and me. I got to grow up, and continue to grow with my built-in best friend for life; my sister, Kaitie. I have never had to worry about not having a roof over my head or where my next meal will come from because no matter what my parents and close circle of people have my back. I am beyond fortunate to have that. Extending beyond the necessities I have been spoiled by my parents my whole life and even now when I am a young adult. We may not have gone on big family vacations every year, or live in the fanciest house, with the newest phone, but they have always supported what I’ve wanted and given my sister and I so much more than we need. So, I’ve been fortunate, and had a fairly easy life compared to many.

However, these last couple years have proven to be difficult as I’ve experienced an immense amount of loss at such a fast rate that I don’t have time to process and grieve one, before the next is knocking at my door. There were some, that although difficult and tragic and devastating, were somewhat easier to grieve in a way because they were to some degree expected, or I should say they made sense. These loved ones were older and had underlying issues in some cases, this did not make it less hard to lose them, but my mind could understand it and therefore, I could accept it and move through my grieving process. Now, that grief accompanies me everyday, but it’s become comforting in a bittersweet way.

The past couple months have proven to be significantly more challenging. I’ve found myself questioning any amount of hope or faith I had; belief in miracles and fate; and absurd possibilities. I’ve found that the more you experience something difficult, it doesn’t always become easier; sometimes it becomes nearly impossible to cope with as you spiral into delusion and get stuck in denial, refusing to accept the reality of it all. This is what death has become to me. I’ve experienced so much of it in the last two years; in the last two months, however, it doesn’t feel more normal, or easier; my fear of dealing with it is just growing larger.

Every once in a while, we meet someone in this lifetime for the first time, but it feels like we’ve known each other many previous lifetimes before. There is something beyond your physical interactions with this person, a soulful connection that cannot be explained; only felt. Whether you are religious or not, simply believe in fate or some sort of universal power bigger than us, there is a reason things happen and the things that are meant to happen to you, will happen to you no matter what choices you make. I firmly believe this and I don’t believe in coincidence. You will know it when it happens to you. When you notice a small sign, or specific detail that links back to an insignificant and irrelevant moment in your past, that now means everything when you realize what it led you to.

It’s happened to me on a couple occasions. Whether it’s life opportunities, places you end up or people you meet. Most recently it was in the form of someone I met. Someone I would never have crossed paths with if it weren’t for a multitude of very specific choices; we were meant to meet and we both knew it. We shared mutual feelings that we had reignited a passion for love and hope in each other. It was one of those things that makes you question the concept of soulmates. When you meet someone in such a peculiar way, who happens to mirror you so well and the little signs I previously discussed show up, telling you both you’re not crazy, it’s really that special. It’s like you already know everything about each other. One day I will sit and write our entire story in detail, but not now.

I still haven’t accepted it; that we won’t get to see what would have become in this lifetime. Not just in the physical realm, but we connected spiritually too, or at least we wanted to, maybe we still will. Or maybe that’s the delusion talking. I miss our long phone calls multiple times a day, our daydreams and plans, our virtual date nights, and our plans for real date nights too.

I met Marcus in June of this year when I was in Toronto with my cousin. We were supposed to see each other in person again when I was back in Toronto, where he lived, on September 24, and many times after that too. Like I previously stated, one day I want to tell our whole story in detail because some of the signs, the way things lined up, it’s too specific and special to not write down so I can immortalise it. Anyway, we never got to because he unfortunately and unexpectedly passed away at only 30 years old. I still don’t know the details of what exactly caused this and last time I spoke to anyone there, they still didn’t know either. I still haven’t been able to accept this, or cope with it very well. I find I feel best when I just pretend it isn’t real, but that isn’t healthy because now I live in a constant state of delusion which has put me in some sort of a depression at times. I am not myself. Not only did I lose the potential of a life-long friend or partner, but I feel that I lost someone I had a truly soulful connection to, beyond the physical world, that is what’s been so hard. I can’t stop mourning for his family and close friends either.

I still ponder the possibilities of truly absurd realities in my mind. Maybe it is a lie, some sort of joke and he’s really out there somewhere and things will go back to how they were. Maybe I will close my eyes one night and wake up in an alternate timeline where this hasn’t happened and things are still as they were. Maybe I’m in some bad dream and all I have to do is open my eyes and see that my mind is playing tricks on me. I refuse to accept that this is really the way it is, I just can’t.

While trying to, I have been struggling the past two years to accept the severity of my aunt’s illness. Of course I knew she was diagnosed with stage 4 metastatic breast cancer and that this was terminal and recovery is incredibly slim and unlikely. But I refused to see it any other way. I only saw that one day she would get to ring that bell. We would have a cancer free celebration and she would get to continue to pursue her dreams, which she never gave up on. She would take us sailing on her boat and live a long, happy and healthy life after overcoming life’s greatest challenge. Aunty Cera was a fighter and I never accepted that she would eventually have to lose her life to cancer. This only happened a couple days ago (at the time of writing this). My parents had already flown down to be with her when we learned how critical her condition was. We almost lost her. My sister and I were up at 3am about to leave for the airport, to head to Miami to be with her when my grandma who was staying with us got the call. Aunty Cera was only 36. She was not only my aunt, but my best friend; my older sister; one of my greatest role models and inspirations; my middle name; my ride or die; and so much more. She was a part of so many important moments: my first tattoo, my first heartbreak, my first concert, my first job, my high school graduation and so much more. Even when she was sick, she was working 3 jobs, pursuing her dreams of sailing by working on her boat, learning new skills, running her business back in Calgary. She was an incredible woman with a remarkable drive that was beyond inspiring. And here I am, unable to get out of bed because I’m upset. It’s okay though, because I have been working on getting up and doing little things, allowing myself to feel my emotions, but also taking care of myself by journaling, playing my guitar and spending time with my loved ones that are still with me physically.

These two recent losses which I have only gone into in minor detail have had a substantial effect on how I am viewing life and coping with death and my growing fear of it as a whole. I am not afraid of my own death; I am afraid of the people and animals I love and care about dying. I know it’s a natural cycle of life, and that is not easier to grieve, but easier to understand and eventually cope with when it is an older relative who has followed a somewhat natural progression. It’s these two most recent losses that have happened the last two months that are so difficult for me to understand and keep me in a constant state of denial. Aunty Cera and Marcus both had such strong personalities and ways of viewing the world. Despite having difficult lives, they never failed to push through and look for the love and beauty in everything. They were both so young and (before Aunty Cera’s diagnosis) healthy, or at least it seemed. I just can’t understand it. My head can’t seem to grasp the fact that they’re gone. I feel like they could walk through the door any minute. It just doesn’t feel real.

Anyway, I have been fortunate and am eternally grateful that I’ve had a good life and continue to have such incredible support systems in place. I could never find the words to explain how lucky I am to have the close friends and family I do which have kept me going. I know I haven’t been myself in recent months, I am going through a lot. I miss when I had regular teenage girl problems like boys and grades. But it’s okay. I am going to be okay, I am surrounded by amazing people who will help remind me the world is not ending, there is always beauty and love and good moments even in the darkest of hours. I know Aunty Cera and Marcus and all my lost loved ones want me to see that too, because that is amongst many of the things they taught me when they were still here. So I will feel my emotions, I will grieve, I will pursue my passions and follow my dreams, be with the important people who I love, make memories, live in the moment the best I can and most of all: I will be okay.

I know I have neglected my friends, my blog and my schoolwork as I’ve been inconsistent the past couple of months. I would just like you all to understand, I care about you so deeply. I care about every message you send me, even if I don’t answer right away. I care about every like, comment, repost, and everyone who actually reads the articles I post on the site. I really do want to continue to pursue my passions and one of them is Off The Record. I know I have been inconsistent with it this year. As a result, it hasn’t grown into something huge yet. But even so, I appreciate and hold so much love for everyone who continues to support it even when I disappear with no explanation for months. When I achieve my dreams, it’s you guys I’ll be thinking of; the ones who were here cheering me on when we weren’t even at 100 followers yet.

If you’ve read this far, thank you for caring so much about my story. I thought I owed those who cared an explanation for my disappearance on this page. When I started this site, I also stated there would be times it would be used as a journaling space as well, so I guess this is also me utilizing that. I’ve been getting back into my regular posting schedule again because this is something that brings joy and light into my life. I’ve got big things planned for December and next year so stay tuned!

When more time has passed I will make an effort to be a better friend. I owe so much to everyone who has been there for me.

Love,

Kayla <3