Mansplaining Man’s Best Friend by Sabrina Carpenter

By Kayla Harper

 

Despite being called Man’s Best Friend, Sabrina Carpenter’s latest album was certainly not made for men, in fact it’s more like their worst nightmare, and was entirely written for the girls.  Maybe this is why only women seem to truly understand the satirical humour and mockery laced through each track, and men just aren’t grasping it.  For the men that do listen and enjoy the album, their interpretations of it are way off, but cute…I guess.  Anyway, we thought it’d be helpful if women “mansplained” the album to you, in terms you might understand, track-by-track.

1. “Manchild” 

No we don’t actually “like [our] men playing hard to get” or “incompetent” but both seem to be common traits among your kind. If you truly aren’t as dumb as you make yourselves look and sound, you should know that we are not as clueless as you think, your excuses suck, almost as much as you.

2. “Tears”

No, doing the dishes doesn’t turn us on and no, you’re not irresistibly hot when you do handy work, and absolutely no, the thought of you does not make us “wet”.  However, at this point the bare minimum has become so rare it might as well.

3. “My Man On Willpower”

We might not understand it, but we aren’t stupid.  We know you’re not on some spiritual journey and we know you’re not trying to respectfully give us the space we deserve.  You only ever gain self control and emotional restraint when the honeymoon phase is over, you’re getting bored and growing distant…happens every time.

 

4. “Sugar Talking” 

Your actions speak louder than words and you can only sweet talk and love-bomb your way out of so many situations before we stop buying it. Your real effort shines through the time you commit to us, not the paragraphs you type or gifts you buy.

5. “We Almost Broke Up Again Last Night” 

Clearly this is not a perfect relationship.  We can admit we’ve done things wrong, hopefully you can too, but we’re delusional and you’re stupid so we’re gonna keep trying to make this work until it doesn’t.

 

6. “Nobody’s Son” 

You toxic mommy’s boys have let us down so many times and become so brutally disappointing time and time again, of course we’re skeptical of every man we see. Also to all the overprotective boy moms, raise your sons better, your baby isn’t perfect.

 

7. “Never Getting Laid”

You should all know by now that “I’m not angry” actually means we are pissed.  Then again your kind is particularly slow, so let me say it again: “I’m not angry” = I am very angry. No, it’s all good, we wish you the best, just nothing better than what we had, like Olivia Rodrigo says, “hope you’re happy, just don’t be happier” (Rodrigo, “Happier”, Sour, 2020).

8. “When Did You Get Hot?”

Every so often one of you takes us by surprise and you get… hot?!  Don’t let this get to your head, but it’s truly fascinating how such a mid man could become so captivatingly fine. So, uhhh “can you lift my car with your hand?” 

9. “Go Go Juice”

It nots about you!!! “Should we hooks up?”  but you because of its. “Do me still love?” 

10. “Don’t Worry I’ll Make You Worry”

We get to be assholes now. We don’t like you, but we like the idea of you.  We have commitment issues and are scared of love as a result of your kind, so now we’re going to fuck with your head.  How’d you like that?! This is what being with a man feels like, now you know.

 

11. “House Tour”

I know we promised, but this is actually all a metaphor, 100%. Here is your permission to be your true horny selves, but only on our terms, “never enter through the back door”.  When we ask if you want the house tour, say yes, it’s probably the only chance you’re gonna get.

12. “Goodbye”

Ugh you guys are SO funny!  NO! You can’t say goodbye and then come back a month later crying.  You left, you made that decision, you can’t go back on it. You guys are so indecisive make up your slow little mind.

 

Hope you understand the album better now, xo

 

– Kayla <3